What Republicans Want

I’ve been trying to figure out what Republicans want. Inspired by a local businessman I decided to make friends with a Republican. So I jumped on the bus and went down to the Chamber of Commerce but they wouldn’t talk to me because I just got off the bus and I wasn’t wearing a gray pinstriped suit. Then I decided to go to the City Hall. No one would talk to me at City Hall because I wasn’t a contractor bearing gifts. Disappointed, I decided to take one last shot at making friends with a Republican so I hot-footed down to the local bar.

Just as I arrived a big burly guy riding a Harley hog pulled up. On his right shoulder was a tattoo of the American flag with a white cross in place of the stars. He was wearing a world war two style German helmet. I walked over to the guy and asked him if he lived in a mansion or a trailer park. He asked me why and I told him I was looking for a Republican to make friends with. He replied that he was a red- state-red-meat Republican through and through.

I offered to buy him a domestic beer if he would tell me what Republicans want. He agreed to my request and said: For the Republicans a smaller government consist of the Pentagon with a trillion dollar budget, the Department of Homeland Security with a trillion dollar budget, and a trillion dollar yearly payment on the interest only portion of the national debt. Voila! A smaller government that sucks up the entire yearly national budget. Everything is deregulated and privatized for profit because the interest on the national debt crowds out all social spending. The rest of the world wont go along? A trillion dollar Pentagon will solve that problem. Pitch forks, torches, and barricades in the streets because there are no social services? Switch on the Patriot Act and send in Homeland Security!

I thanked my new Republican friend for his insights. Before I left I asked my new friend if he knew Sarah Palin. He said he never heard of her.

March 2009